An introvert's lament

I am in the most introverted state I've been in since... probably ever.  The last few days I've been in this existential funk like I've never been in before. I like to think of myself as thoughtful, but never like this.  It's gotten to the point where I'm annoyed with myself.  I can't get out of my own head.  My head physically feels like it's compressed. Like it's about to explode.  The world around me is inconsequential.  This is a dangerous state to be in, obviously, but I'm embracing it because I think it's just a stage.

I'm trying to sort things out.  Every doubt I have comes with a thought, and every thought comes with doubt, and so on and so on in this never ending cycle of confusion, paradoxes, and contradictions.  I want to be one thing one day, and one thing the next. Is that wrong? Or maybe I am nothing. Maybe I want to be nothing.  Is that cowardly?  I don't think so.  It's not atheistic, anarchist, or any other 'ist'. That's the point. I ridicule the "Fuck Authority" crowd, and ridicule authority itself. Where do I fall? Religion has been on my mind a lot lately, but I think it needs to take a back seat.  There are so many other things that I have to find out about myself before religion comes into play.  I don't know who I want to be.

And this is how it goes.  I ask myself questions, give myself answers, question those answers, answer those questions, and question the answers of the questions to the original answer of the original question.  Dear God.  I really need to chill out..... Or do I?

Shit. And the cycle continues.


  1. I hear ya. Sigh. It's so difficult for us intellectuals. Haha.

  2. This sounds pretty familiar to me, I think I spent most of high school like that. Looking back I'd say the most insight I got into what I wanted to do with my life came from actually doing things or trying new things. Thinking about what I wanted to do always led nowhere because I was smart enough to be able to create counterpoints to just about any line of thinking and not experienced enough to have stronger opinions.

  3. That's really interesting, Kevin, because that's what I find myself doing. Just countering opinions with other opinions that hold up just as much weight in my head because I don't have enough experience to lean one way or the other. That's good advice for me.

  4. Word, Kevin/C Wood. I do that every day! (we're around the same age, i think). I re-examine myself as a person every day and try to view myself from someone else's perspective. I get frustrated because I'm not sure if I feel wise but not old, or feel old but not wise. I came to the same conclusion as Kevin after awhile. For now the only thing I can do is wait and think.

  5. Your thoughts remind me frightfully of my own back around mid-high school. Honestly, in a lot of ways I miss taking everything so seriously.

    I remember hitting a wall around that time where, as the Kevin guy up there described, I could counter every idea that started to seem truly interesting with some alternate perspective that just deflated it. Got to a point where I really felt like everything I could ever consider to be worth doing was just another something to do, and everything I could find beautiful or valuable was just another something to like. It could get really hard to feel like believing in anything.

    Practical advice- a good remedy for that kind of thing is going out for a walk, or climbing a building. Either one, you want to do it at night, for mood reasons and also for practical reasons. The latter activity *can* get you in trouble. You may bring music along, but make sure you invest some energy in observing everything you're passing by or scaling.

    It didn't really even have to be walking or climbing for me. Just had to go out and actually do one of those things that were "just another something to do."

    Hope you're ready to deal with a bunch of strangers typing shit at you all the time now that Ebert linked to your blog.