Southern Gentlemen

Frat. It's the Catholic High lifestyle. In short, it's polo shirts, Sperries, wearing backwards hats, golfing, drinking a lot of beer, and being generally obnoxious. The actual word pertains to the fraternities found in colleges, but it has morphed into its own sect of humanity. It's like the opposite of indie. What does it mean to really be "frat", though? I decided to observe a select group of individuals in their natural habitat of an all-male institution to dig deep into their inner workings. Not surprisingly, there isn't much to it. These findings are proven scientifically.

First, if you yourself wanted to see what it was like to be a frat, there are a few pointers to tell about before you're on your way. Obviously, you would stop reading this blog. Conveyance of any kind of individual opinion or emotion will get you kicked out immediately. It's the equivalent of murder. Now, these are a few ways to mask yourself in the proper frat way.

1.) Dress like you just received a large inheritance from your father, who is presumably some sort of oil tycoon or major league baseball owner. Make sure everyone realizes how wealthy you are.

2.) Pretend you're on the way to play 9 holes all the time. It doesn't really matter if you've ever played golf.  You need to always have a few clubs in your car, just in case.

3.) Speaking of cars, only the following are acceptable: 4 Runners, Range Rovers, Sports Cars, Denalis, and really loud and/or tall pick up trucks. There are a few exceptions. If you have any kind of truck, take the muffler off and it will be fratified. Or a few "Ducks Unlimited" stickers will usually suffice. If you have a car, make it obnoxious somehow. Get creative (but not too creative. That's frowned upon.)

4.) Everything you say should be seemingly nonchalant, but in reality so over the top that it seems that you're trying to compensate for something (and if you're wanting to be frat, then you probably are).

5.) This is probably the most important.  Make sure you carry yourself with an unearned sense of accomplishment. Flaunt your pink polos, your Oakleys, your mounted ducks, your golf clubs, your money clip, and the keys to your speed boat.

6.) If you find yourself getting out fratted in a conversation, there are a few fall back phrases that are always acceptable, these include "Bro", "I heaaaaard that", "What it do", "That's so frat", "What a bitch!", "You gettin' your dick wet?", and "Dude, 30 pack, this weekend." Or, you can just incorporate the word frat into the sentence. This helps if you just said something really "faggy".


Guy #1: Bro, you goin to Fay Town this weekend?

Guy #2: I might, but there's this film festival I may go to upstate.

Guy #1: Hahaha what the fuck dude? Just come out of the closet now.

Guy #2: Uhhh no it'll be frat, trust me. The girls there have huge tits.

Guy #2 has just saved himself from looking like a fool with that second sentence.

I'll finish collecting my findings and post part 2 later, but there's one more thing. If ever you find yourself looking for a Christmas present for a frat person, I have found, undeniably, the greatest frat present ever. Go get a six foot aquarium, cover it in Camouflage, and put it under said frat person's tree. It's large, unnecessary, expensive, and, most importantly, completely void of substance. What's more frat than that?


  1. WOW your a really good writer. I agree with what you say and it sounds completley right although i have no idea comming from a jewish 16 year old girl. Sounds very simmilar to jew camp though thats the most i can say. Here is my blog if you want to check it out although im a bit intimidated now and my writing sucks haha but here it is wow your a reallly good writer and so write. Well at least you sound right i guess i wouldnt know being a jewish girl. Although sounds like the same senario that goes on at jew camp haha. Anyways keep writing your really alented. Heres my blog if you want to check it out, not much good and my writing sucks but hopefully somewhat entertaing;

  2. ok wow copy and paste did not work in my favor there so srry if the above makes no sense. I wrote a different comment on ur page but it wouldnt post so i did all this stuff and ya when i went to copy and paste the website i didnt realize i copied and pasted all that other junk. so srry about that

  3. this was brogasmic.
    i think it was so brotastically amazing that it earned you a celeb shot at the next beer pong game.
    of course you can't join my team.
    its been established since the first mixer.

  4. Sweet, brah! This shizzit will totally bring da bitches. But fill that aquarium with PBR, holmes. Symbolism is kinda gay.

    High five, man! Woot.

  5. This is incredibly clever. Consider my hat tipped in your direction.

    So what if you have opinions now and then? If you don't have opinions, you are denounced to robotdom. It's not like you call them your Lord.
    (btw I'm not sure if I actual live this, I'm very much afraid of becoming my true self, wow that's tmi have a nice day)

  6. so my brothers pretty frat...he used to deny it but now he admits it. he still has some decency...im 100 percent sure he doesn't say " you gettin your dick wet". also... i found one false statement. "that's so frat" is only used by highschool guys. My brother brought this to my attention the other day.. he goes "andrea, do you have any friends that use the term..."thats frat" i replied with a no...naturally.. because i dont hang out with people like that.. and he goes ok good,...i hear alot of high school guys are using it..and i said.."they probably got it from yall" and he said no...no one would be caught dead saying that.

  7. Conor,
    Great observations and synopsis of the frat guy lifestyle. Speaking as a person who was in a frat and has since moved on to less douchebag-like endeavors, your experience with the high school version of the frat guy is preparing you well for the more douchey, obnoxious frat guys you'll encounter in college. Once you get to college you'll see that the whole "frat system" was developed to be able to detect, and hopefully stay away from, the pink shirted/popped collar culture - among other ways to spot them, here are a few things to look out for: they put them in houses that are easy to spot with huge Greek letters at the top; they usually wear clothes proudly displaying the Greek letters; the "Ducks Unlimited" stickers on their SUVs and trucks are usually replaced with the Greek letters.

    Your article reminded me of an article I read from my former high school in Kansas City. Like your writing, it delves into the life of a high school frat guy, but in this particular article the guy is dubbed a Bro... "Livin' Life as a Bro, Doin' Big Thangs"... very satirically written in a way that seems as if the "bro's" don't even know they're being made fun of.


    (by the way, found your blog via Ebert's blog)